I'm a high-functioning fangirl and this blog documents my silly fannish musings...
Ah fannishness, I have committed you again and again and again. I confess it. Fictional realms obsess me. I suspect my intellect would have been better spent upon physics and biochemistry, but my heart wouldn't have it. It beat itself into frenzies over The Force, Lestat, Data, Mulder, Draco, Spike, and Spock.
For years, I have passed the majority of my time ruminating upon the unreal. It astounds me. It amuses me.
I cannot stop. And, oh yes, I have tried. At best, I can sublimate my tendency to obsess over stories into a compulsion to understand aspects of physiology and medicine, but it brings neither myself nor any other living creature great happiness when I focus my brain power upon such things. At least, when a fiction has captured me, my harshest sorrows tend to involve weeping over the unspeakable injustice of Alex Krycek falling at the hands of anyone other than Fox Mulder. Such despair can be ameliorated with vintage dance music and a bar of excellent dark chocolate.
When a realm of health science has consumed my mind, however, no antidote exists to counter its horrors. The harshest sorrows brought to me by my immersion in the study of human health broke my heart and clipped my spirit. If I could fix the mistakes we have made, I would do it. Unfortunately, much of what we have done can never, ever be undone.
Yes, I am an ebullient pinata of hyena laughter when I allow the medical realm to claim me.
The universe did me a great kindness when it pushed an irresistible bit of fan-bait upon me just as I was struggling with the ugliest bit of medical science I'd ever encountered. Thank you, Loki, for reminding me that chaos has always snaked through the lives of humankind and that we can survive it if, despite our woe, we spread our arms wide and laugh.
In sum, I fan. It is what I do and who I am.
I am also an auntie, sister, daughter, student-on-hiatus, worker-bee, chocophile, computer geek INFP who loves Halloween and suspects Daniel Quinn is sadly correct about civilization.
An appendix listing my present and former fandoms, sorted into various categories, follows.
My giddy-obsession-level fandoms in chronological order:
- The Neighborhood of Make-Believe
- Robin (of the Adam West and Burt Ward TV series Batman)
- The Superfriends
- Nancy Drew novels
- Star Wars
- Battlestar Galactica
- The Beatles
- Stephen King novels
- Culture Club
- Duran Duran
- Robotech
- ElfQuest
- Prince
- Jim Morrison
- Mai The Psychic Girl
- Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles
- Star Trek: The Next Generation
- The X-Files
- Nirvana
- Neil Gaiman's Sandman series
- Buffy The Vampire Slayer
- Smallville
- J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter novels
- Loki (of Marvel's Thor and The Avengers)
My merely-loyally-adored fandoms in loose chronological order:
- Scooby Doo
- The Brady Bunch
- Gilligan's Island
- Star Trek (the original series)
- Frances Hodgson Burnett's novels
- Madeleine L'Engle's novels
- Blade Runner
- Wargames
- Brian Boitano
- Kathe Koja's novels
- vampire fiction in general
- anime and manga in general
- early Tarantino films
- Hole
- Foo Fighters
- Susan Seddon Boulet's art
- Neil Young
- X-Men (the movie)
- Johnny Weir
- vintage jazz
The Fandoms That Ate My Brain While I Was Obsessed With Them:
- Star Wars
- The Beatles
- The X-Files
- Harry Potter
The Fandoms That Changed Me for the Better:
- Star Trek, both TNG and TOS
- Madeleine L'Engle's novels
- Frances Hodgson Burnett's novels
And on that note...
Fandoms That Undermined My Well-Being and Decency:
- Batman - From the ages of 3 through 5, I was terrified of Batman from the TV series. I was sure Batman was going to snap someday and kill Robin, whom I loved. I felt a strong need to get Robin away from that very dangerous man.
- Star Wars - Seriously, I know of what I speak: trying to live by the training Yoda and Ben gave Luke leads to unhealthy patterns of thinking and acting. Yes, of course I know Lucas meant well and really tried, but this doesn't negate the fact he created a psychologically damaging philosophy in Star Wars.
- Jim Morrison - I didn't recognize Morrison's smug self-concept for the despicable arrogance it was when I was a silly 16-year-old. His belief that having a high IQ made him superior influenced me in regrettable ways for many years. It took time and effort to correct this ugliness in my world view.
About that high-functioning label: yes. In case it wasn't laughably obvious from my fanaticism and lists, I'm abundantly autistic. I suspect the only reason my minutiae-focused, special-interest-obsessive, clumsy, tic-laden self wasn't identified and diagnosed with ASD within five steps of entering a kindergarten classroom was my female gender. When people think autism, they think little boys. When people looked at me, they saw an odd little girl who played by herself quite a bit and just happened to meow loudly every noon. Even though I displayed all the classic signs--and a few obscure ones--my doctors and a string of therapists merely labeled me depressed and anxious. And then they proceeded to be unable to lessen the intensity of either of those states. Alas...
If you met me, would you see it? Well, I personally think I pass for a friendly, if somewhat shy and eccentric, neurotypical. To trained eyes, however, my ASD is obvious.
Years ago, my sister told me I reminded her of TBBT's Sheldon so I watched a few episodes in an effort to understand how she viewed me. I was shocked; and I was fairly certain I didn't act anything like that. Yes, I love physics and Star Trek with a geeky zeal, but I'm not arrogant, competitive or mean. And yes, I do cling to routines and possess a few neurotic phobias, but I really do think I pass for "normal" in most situations that don't involve unexpected sunlight, the appearance of spiders, saliva, or Bill Gates.
Shrug.
I love my wild aspie brain. Yes, it can be a pain, but immersing myself into a topic until it consumes me and I finally emerge with a deep understanding? It's worth it.
